Two Million Thoughts

"I go, not in angriness; I leave but I am not sad. It is just that from now on, I will no longer come back. That’s the way it has to be– when a river splits apart, each stream follows its own course."             -From a Mangyan poem

Every page must be turned. Every chapter has to come to a close. Every book must end.

I could still vividly remember the night I first started this blog. I was furiously writing down my thoughts and feelings, with so much passion I could almost sense the paper burning. Of course, as is always, I started my first entry in my ever-reliable pen and paper ritual, finally ending the writer’s block or creativity drought I had so long tried to overcome. And right after I’ve transferred my draft to a web file, the passion kept flowing, from my heart, through my veins, to my fingers.

About two years have passed and I am desperately holding on to that passion, with not so much of a success. I am experiencing the same writer’s block and the same urge to fight it. Nonetheless, I’ve decided not to push and to insist in writing too much; I’ve decided to take a breather and to allow life to take its course.

Often, I was asked my secret technique in writing (as if it’s worth knowing) and I’ve always answered, without batting an eyelash: passion. I drown my articles with so much passion I could see them alive, kicking, partying, dancing, crying, and rejoicing.

I never considered myself a good writer but I have always claimed that I LOVE to write. Scanning through my more recent entries, however, made me see half-alive words, barely kicking, not even in the mood of partying, hurt but unable to cry, with no reasons of rejoicing.

And it saddens me to note that my entries had become monotonic, angst-ridden, bitter, frustration-coated, self-serving and narcissistic–the very kind of entries I find irritating and pointless, but which, unfortunately, were slowly becoming my very own works!

So, I end this blog so I may write again. For the past months, I have so inconveniently confined myself to the books, cases, and more cases to digest. Now, let me explore new places, meet new people, rekindle old friendships, entertain new ideas…In short, let me embrace life so I may live again. Only when I have witnessed the four seasons riding in a carousel would I fully reclaim my passion.

And though this is not a book, I chose to end this with an epilogue. And I write this final entry not with angriness, nor with tears (though I would really love to cry right now, for some other reasons).

It started with the crimson foliage and the leaves kept falling. Then, the weather got dampy, and soon enough, the storm was batting against my walls. I took a final look at the raging seas, and the battling winds. I scanned through the room and found a rusty and weathered ballpoint pen, and a tattered notebook. I picked all these and carried a little lamp against the darkness. I did not know what to do. I could not think but my heart was telling me to go on. And as I scrambled to scribble my first word, I know then that I have found the cotton candy hanging in a dark bough and the rebirth of a bud of rose. Soon enough, I know, I will be going out outside the dark and old room, run through the seas in barefoot, and feel the wind, the sun, and the water in my skin.

To all those who posted comments, sent messages, and shared some lines, to those who rushed by my side at those times I wrote of morbid thoughts, to everyone who have shared my passion and the stories in my life–no matter how profound or mundane, worth knowing or nonsensical–my words could not convey how blessed I am to have you as fellow travellers in this journey.

Let this be my promise that I’ll never give up on writing. I write to live; I live to write!

Kampai!

I finished Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows in 36
hours, only stopping to attend to my evening classes. It is quite hard to
believe that the epic tale of Harry Potter has to end. I practically grew up
with it. haha;-) or rather, I practically read them grow up to be who they are
as the story ended.

I am filled with deepest pain and agony after realizing I
have finished the book, including the epilogue. I was awakened by the
formidable fact that there is no book eight to wait for. I practically was used
to waiting for the next book and rereading the last ones over and over again. I
will of course, forever miss the laugh trips of Fred and George Weasley, the
fussy mother yet strong Death Eater fighter that is Molly, the
haircolor-changing Nymphadora Tonks, the let’s-talk-sense Kingsley Shacklebolt,
the ever careful Mad Eye Moody, the vastness and hugeness of Hagrid, the stern
look of Minerva McGonagall, the weird world of Luna Lovegood, the Quidditch
world of Oliver Wood, Angelina Johnson, etc; the clumsiness and the later valor
of Neville Longbottom, the wisdom of Albus Dumbledore, the carefree
handsomeness of Sirius Black,the blue eyes of Aberforth Dumbledore, the cunning
stories of Rita Skeeter, the awkward growing-up years of Ron, the Miss Know It All,
Hermione, and of course, the complexities and trivialities of the life of Harry
Potter, whose story I have picked a lot of lessons to live with. Of course,
there are more characters and more places to miss (the Great Hall of Hogwarts,
the Gryffindor Common Room, Number Twelve Grimmauld Palace, the Burrow, the
Shell Cottage, the Forbidden Forest) but to put it all here would mean using up
all the allotted space.

I
still have not gotten over with the sadness of the end. But then, endings weave
new beginnings. As the snitch writing goes, "I open at the close."

People of old times believed that during eclipses, the sun, or the moon, needs to clean itself so they hide in the dark. In Chinese tradition, term "chi" (eclipse) means to eat, and the people believed that their moon or sun is being eaten by some ominous monster. At those times, it was usually conceived that an eclipse is an omen, signaling all the bad things to come: famine, death, drought, etc.

Now that we know the true cause of eclipses, we could breathe easier and live life better, without having to worry about some monster eating our sun or moon. But then again, just for the fun of it, let us just say that something weird happens whenever an eclipse occurs.

And this I was able to prove yesterday when a total lunar eclipse occured at 5:52 p.m. I did not even feel it and I even forgot about it but later I realized that eclipses have some weird effects over an individual’s mind; and in my case, those weird effects were basically good ones, thank God!

For the first time since I entered law school, I finally afforded four hours to have some serious chitchat and analysis about life’s complexities with my super friend. And then, in a very unexpected twist of fate, I met up with the "oldies and newbies" of tWS at El Amigo and had a glass of bitter beer, the first glass in three years since I swore off the bitterness of the drink! And over muffins and brewed coffee at Dunkin Donuts, I was able to stay awake until the wee hours of the morning, talking about anything and everything with friends I haven’t talked with for a long time. It felt soooo good to see the place quiet and unlittered with students and their notes and voluminous books. It was such a refresher to enjoy the quietness of it all, just sipping our drinks and munching on our food, without having to worry about an oral exam or a recitation for the next day.

If these are what eclipses bring, then, by all means, let me have total eclipses every day and night of my life!

I am a self-confessed black sheep in law school. Well, maybe not in the whole school, but at least, in my batch.

I have six chapters to read for our Midterm Exam tomorrow but I spent some chika and eating time with two of my super friends today. First, I had my afternoon merienda with Maj and Joyce, and then, early dinner with Grace.

I could have more than enough time to study but I accepted four hours of English tutorials with Korean students everyday at the very start of Midterm Week.

There might be something wrong with me for some but I know that I am being my usual self. I love pushing myself to the limits. I love feeling the pain in my muscle everyday, thinking that I have made something purposeful in this life, at least, in my own little way.

Having been brought up in an active environment, studying law was always boring for me. Most of the time, I feel so useless and inutile, I could have killed myself and no one would have noticed and cared. I was always the multitasker, with two million thoughts in my mind.

I am glad I am back to my usual self. Never mind if it means being a black sheep. *sheepish grin*

Oyasumi Nasai!

Bourne Ultimatum. Mamamia the Movie. Like Water for Chocolate. Dance Dance Dance. For One More Day. Everyone Worth Knowing.

I haven’t written a full-blown entry about the Deathly HallowS, so here goes.

I personally think that spoiler alerts are not needed here anymore but since I respect those other HP addicts who have not read the book yet for whatever reasons (I really know the feeling of not wanting the thrill to be spoiled before you read it firsthand), I have cautiously labelled when and where the spoilers start and end. So, if you have not read the seventh and the final, it’s your choice to invoke your magical powers for the magic ink to appear. You have been warned!

And to those who have not been baptized to the Order yet, here’s a friendly guide to read the spoilers: Point your wand to the indicated starting point, focus and concentrate, chant the necessary incantation and voila, there goes my thoughts. If nothing shows, then, better re-learn your magical incantations, or consult Mr. Ollivander for your wand check-up. If neither of these works, I’m so sorry to be the first to tell you that you are either a Squib or an ordinary Muggle.

[SPOILERS START HERE]

I really feel vindicated by these facts:

1) That Harry is the seventh and the last Horcrux. Everything from Book 1 up to the 6th showed the sign that Harry is indeed, Voldemort’s Horcrux. Afterall, he knows Parseltongue, he has the twin wand as that of the dark Lord, he can read Voldemort’s mind, etc…

2) That R.A.B is Regulus Arcturus Black. Iknew RAB has got to do with Regulus for why else would JKR mention about Sirius’s brother in the Order and later on mentione the initials in Half-Blood?

3) That Harry did not use the Avada Kedavra curse. After the Order of the

Phoenix

, my greatest worry was how would Harry kill Voldy since the prophecy goes "neither lives while the other survives." It would really appear odd if he used the Killing Curse, which is a Dark Art incantation. Thank God for Expelliarmus, his signature spell! And that was the second time Expelliarmus defeated Avada Kedavra!

4) While waiting for the seventh book, my sister and I have discussed about Harry being the last Horcrux. If this was the case, our discussion went, would it mean that he should die? It was a complicated case, of course, and I am glad that JKR was able to pull a good plot to this one! ‘Ear!’Ear!

5) That Luna Lovegood is given another comeback in this book! I was quite sad that her character suddenly was forgotten in oblivion in Half-Blood Prince. Boy, I am just glad she’s back!

6) That Neville Longbottom finally found his true strength and valor and is now making his parents and grandmother proud! Go, Neville!

7) That Percy was going to realize his mistake and come back to his family. This one I was really hoping for because I would really want this to be a good lesson to the younger readers about family values, etc. I know its sloppy but heck, with the kind of teenagers around, we seriously need books that uplift family ties.

The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore. I know a lot of fans hate the fact that Albus was inclined to the Dark Arts when he was younger, and he even made friends with Grindewald, I just love this angle of APWBD because it really shows how he was able to shape his character as a great man and wizard. Since he was already exposed to the Dark Arts, he knows how to combat it. And this is really parellel to real life adage that you can always go back to being good even though how bad you have become, or something like it.

And here are the things that made me sad while reading the book…

1) Too many deaths. Well, I know that the final battle was something very dark and a lot of deaths from the good side will be involved but I just can’t accept the fact that Fred Weasley had to die! And he and George are one of my favorite characters! Argh! Perhaps my only consolation was how JKR wrote his death: "and Fred’s eyes stared without seeing, the ghost of his last laugh still etched on his face." This line really wretched my heart; this is really effective. It is an irony but at the same time, it gives justice to Fred’s character. Perhaps, I could say, "You really are joking Joanne!"

2) The Prince’s Tale. Okay, so Severus really loved Lily til the end, but it still didn’t make him a good person. I have no objections to how JKR wrote the story about Snape; I am more concerned on how most readers understood it. A lot of those I know now proclaim Snape to be a hero but heck, for me, he was just doing it for his love of Lily, not for Harry, not for the greater good, not for being good. Beside, we should not forget how he takes pleasure in killing other people, ayt? I’m just glad that in a subsequent interview, JKR clarified the matter to us: Snape was neither good nor bad; he was a complicated man.

3) There was no proper explanation to what really happened to the Malfoys afterwards. Did they continue their inclination to the Dark Arts or were they remorseful?

4) Lupin and Tonks’ death. Poor Teddy. I just hate the fact that no one of James’s friends is left.

And of course, to those wondering who was Victoire that Teddy Lupin was snogging nineteen years later, well, she is Bill and Fleur’s eldest daughter.

And to my earlier question about the sword of Gryffindor, according to JKR’s chat with fans, it now shows that Griphook was wrong, that the sword was really Gryffindor’s, that Godric did not steal it from any goblin, and since ownership really belonged to Godric Gryffindor, it belongs to any true Gryffindor who needs it. Help will always come to Hogwarts to those who need it.

[SPOILERS END HERE]

The past two days had been unexceptionally boring to me. It felt like there was a certain cloud of gloom and despair hanging in the sky, following my every move. The best way to explain it is through an analogy of the Half-Blood Prince, where the Muggles felt this unexplainable hopelessness and irritableness for several weeks, as Dementors (invisible to them) loom in their areas. (This is out of topic but the accidental bridge snapping in the US reminded me of the unexplained bridge snapping in Half-Blood Prince which was really caused by Death Eaters.)

Yes, Dementors. I think Dementors were sucking every ounce of happiness and life in me. I think they were giving me their signature Kiss(es) of Death. For how would you explain my sudden irritableness (I just hate anything and everything from the way my photocopied notes came out, to the damn policeman in the street, to the kilometer-long notes in my book, etc, etc) and irrational hopelessness (like I’m gonna be stuck in a purposeless life forever because I am taking up law, etc) since last Friday?

So, today, I got rid of all clouds of doubt and forced myself to think of happy mem’ries (t’was really hard, mind you), and managed to conjure my own patronus charm to temporarily rid of the Dementors while I am still fixing my dilapidated self. And just like Harry’s wand of holly, I think it will take more than just a Reparo spell to repair the damage.

I’m down on the pits again just when I thought I was over the cycle of my love-hate state of my being in law school.

It all starts with I’m-gonna-make-this-fine-and-love-law-school-through-hell-or-high-waters, then, to I-think-I’m-totally-loving-everything-from-digesting-cases-to-reading-books, then I’d start to question whether I made the right choice, then I’d wallow in self pity thinking that I made the wrong choice, then I’d hate myself because I’m not doing anything in life, then, I’d fell purposeless and useless, and it’s back to positive thinking again.

Last Friday was just an ordinary day except that whatever I did, my system simply refused to study or to think anything or everything about law school. Tough. All I could think was that a climate change is going on and what am I doing? Sitting  in the library, reading all the required articles to read (nothing about climate change or anything about social responsibility), attending classes, and getting exhausted and sleeping afterwards. All I could worry about is the next time our professors would call me for recitation or my answers in the quizzes while people my age, or even younger than me, are already making such big impacts in the world by being volunteer teachers or home builders in far-flung barrios. There are two million thoughts in my mind but I do not have the luxury of time to write these down.

In short, I am feeling completely useless, totally purposeless, pathetically passionless. I have lost the zeal of living life. Or worse, I have no life at all now.

It’s just that I believe that there are more important things in life other than studying laws and lawlessness.

In its plan to revive the Sound Of Music, movie bigwigs are running the reality show, How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria?, to find the right actress to fill in Julie Andrews’ role. I don’t exactly know if the show has been running already or if it has ended but I just wish solving a problem like myself is as easy as staging a reality show. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk…

To those who have finished reading, why on earth did the sword of Gryffindor ended up inside the Sorting Hat and was pulled and used by Neville in killing Nagini, when the last that we heard about was that it was cunningly snatched by the goblin, Griphook, while they were stealing Hufflepuff’s cup at Bellatrix’s vault at Gringotts?

Just wondering… YOu might as well enlighten and provide me the portkey of knowledge on this matter.

A magical night to all… May the sky be filled with Albus’ twinkling eyes and not of the Dark Mark…

Holly and phoenix feathers,

zusabel

"The dedication of this book is split in seven ways, To Neil, To Jessica, To David, To Kenzie, To Di, To Anne, and To You, if you have stuck with Harry until the very end."

Blimey, people, it took me a long time to finally write my piece on the much awaited Final Book of the epic tale of Harry Potter!

It is just that I was in denial in thinking that Book 7, is the final, and the last. Huhuhu. Call me an idiot or an overly-dramatic bookphrenic but the Harry Potter series has been part of my life already. Thanks to my BC teacher, Jean Claire Dy, who first introduced me to the series.

So, how was the book? Well, I want all to know that I am writing no review here at all. Because if I do, I might as well be biased. I am here to write my sentiments, that’s all, thank you very much.

My plan really was to read the book chapter by chapter, slowly, in order to fully relish and cherish the moment. But then, you just have to give it up to JKR’s brain of creativity that I really could not stand putting the book down (well, except those moments that I had to eat or go to my classes).

To those who guessed it right, we’ll finally feel, as JKR puts it, vindicated. [spoiler starts here] Yes, Harry is the seventh and the last Horcrux! I am just glad that it didn’t turn out that he and Riddle should die. Though of course, I was sure I was quite convinced that he had to, after reading the chapter, the Prince’s Tale. I felt really emotional when he finally realized the meaning of "I open at the close" and he finally whispered "I am about to die." And then the part where the Deathly Hallow stone brought back his parents, Sirius, and Remus brought me to tears, especially that part when he said "Sorry" to Remus, and when he whispered to Lily to "stay close."

And of course, I was so glad to hear back the good old wisdom of Albus, and his remorse over his dark youth days. I am glad that JKR did not make him an overly perfect character. Really, Rita Skeeter’s book on the LIfe and Lies of Albus Dumbledore made me really curious to know the truth about Kendra and Ariana and Aberforth. Turned out Rita was just being who she is, a power-hungry story-weaver of a journalist. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.

Oh, I can’t help but be shocked by the death of Fred Weasley. I mean, Fred, hello? He was the better half of all my laugh trips in the book and to read his death that way (and [he] stared without seeing, the ghost of his laugh still etched on his face) was very ironic for his personality. And to think that he was the first to forgive Percy.

Of course, I was glad to read and see more familiar faces again like Viktor Krum, Oliver Wood and the rest of Harry’s Quidditch team, etc… And yeah, I am so damn proud of Hermione Granger for being smart and everything! And Luna and Neville.. [spoiler ends here]

I could go on rambling and I know for the next few days my word of mouth will be about Harry and the rest of the gang. I haven’t reached the point of "I open at the close" yet.