Two Million Thoughts

C2 lemon green tea, midnight snacks, early morning pedicab sounds, McFlurry and King Cone, choco-mallow pie, My Best Friend’s Wedding, Alicia Keys, autumn foliage, white wraparound blouse, ballet flats, native straw bag, cotton-candy cherry blossoms hanging by a dark bough, strawberries dipped in green tea powder, hyaku-en shop, maru ichi, uniqlo, relyenong bangus, doodles and scribbles, oil pastel,

Portraits, still life, squash muffins, lemongrass iced tea, flea market and bazaars, U2, Planet Exchange, taco wrap, egg curry, yasai tempura, jelly beans, ebi sushi, chukaryouri, Landmark Tower, anime, robot expo, peach halves, cherries, yogurt and kiwi, almond and camembert cheese, train rides, garden salad, chopsticks, John Mayer, cable car rides, snow, sunrise and sunset,

Guy Perryman, Futamatagawa church, tabehodai, nomihodai, rubber slippers, surfing shorts, white-sand beach, paddle boating, Nescafe frothe, marshmallows and hot choco, silver carp and gold fish, Hershey’s kisses with almonds, cadburry fruits and nuts, wheat choco, pistaschio and cashew, gel pens, canvass bags, Tokyo Disneyland, roller coaster rides, reggae na binisaya, haiku, kokeshi.

Twisted cravings of a perplexed soul.

The sun is still emitting off its powerful rays to supply the world’s needed energy. Planet Earth is still revolving around it 365 and a quarter of days, and rotating in its own axis 24/7. The moonlight glimmers at night, depending on its position from the Earth and the sun. And in this cool month of July, occassional rains are expected day and night. Clouds still hang over the used-to-be bright, blue skies. The air, at least here in Dumaguete, is still tolerable, not much pollutants and all.

I still eat despite the fact that I am gaining weight tremendously fast! I still can breathe, think, see, touch, feel, walk, smell, dance, stand, shout and speak, thank you very much. I read books, watch TV, and listen to Creed, Enchi and MYMP. I still go window shopping and I still buy clothes, if I have the money. I eat halo-halo at Bethel, tacos at La Mexicana, and those cakes and pastries the kiosks sell.

Nothing’s important, actually. Thank God, there has been no war of the worlds, or anything catastrophic at all, despite the fact that the Steven Spielberg-directed, Tom Cruise and Dakota Fanning starrer is now showing at the Park. Nothing’s new, actually, except for the fact that I have finally found the perfect time to wear my light-blue trench blouse. Nothing big, at all. I am still in Cafe Irie, sitting and staring like an automaton in this screen, writing in this blog, after eating my lunch of Tuna Crutinis and Nachos. At four o’clock, I will be rushing back to my dear old University to attend my Com 81 class. At six, I’ll have my tutorials with my Korean student. And depending on the weather, Magenta and I MIGHT actually watch the War of The Worlds, despite the fact that I despise and loathe Tom Cruise! (Same feelings go to Katie Holmes, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie–go figure out why!Anyway, I am a big Dakota Fanning fan and I could not dare miss another sterling performance of her just by a stupid actor!)

To borrow a friend’s phrase, As usual, useless.

Despite all these things that I am able to do, I really feel useless. And boy, does it feel good to finally admit it! If I were to apply economics in my life, I am a business not gaining any profits. I have been investing a lot–clothes, bags, accessories, foods and all–even to the point of being excessive. But I feel so useless. What a shame buying all those clothes I wear and the books I read when I have not done any difference in this world. I have this sinking feeling that I am nothing but a useless crap here on earth, disposable any moment.

I still write and I will still be writing but I think this hobby-turned-passion-turned-lifestyle is so futile. I miss the pressure-packed Editorial Board days at the Weekly Sillimanian. Even if I had to visit the hospital almost every week, at least, I feel like I was really exhausting all that I can to produce a decent school paper. I was serving the Silliman community. I miss the back-breaking Youth Builds of Habitat for Humanity. Even if I go home with muscle cramps, I could proudly say that I made a difference in uplifting humanity. I was helping those people in dire need of a decent house which they could call home.

I miss the drive and enthusiasm I had in life before. I turned down an offer to write in Portal 06 because I do not have the inspiration to do so.

Yes, I am busy. I have a 15-unit load and I am giving English tutorials to three Korean students. I am a research assistant to our dean. I am working on a project for SUMC and MetroPost. I am a Habitat for Humanity and RCY member. To sum it all, I am working my ass out in academic and extra-curricular pursuits but I do not and can not feel any sense of fulfillment in anything and everything that I do right now.

When I contemplate about it, I feel so envious of those differently-abled persons I have met, the kids at GPRehab and the volunteers. Though they are physically or mentally different, they still are able to use themselves in a positive way. And then the PTs and OTs there, well, as I have written in my column, they are the modern day heroes that need no blinding limelight to make them do what they are doing! (Now that I think of it, I wish I am taking up course like the ones they took, at least, I would feel useful!) While here I am, complete with body parts, and still mentally normal (I hope!), doing nothing but wasting money and writing nonsense things that will soon bug and irritate my friendsters, thanks to those stupid blog announcements.

Really, can somebody tell me how to de-activate that service, please?

See, I am not just useless, I am hopeless. And I rest my case.

Truth to be told, half of me was anticipating the start of President
Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo’s State of The Nation Address (SONA) while the
other half was dreading it, positive that it will just be another
political tactic– puro salita, walang gawa. Yet, I was also hoping
that she will, at least, give light to the political crisis which have
resulted in the division of our country as an aftereffect of her
(in)famous "Hello, Garci" "lapse of judgment" call.

But then,
if I were her, why would I do an act like that? She would not risk to
discuss such a sensitive issue. She could not risk what we Filipinos
would call, paggigisa sa sariling mantika.

So indeed, the SONA
was clever. It was clever for her part, and the party which she
represents. Instead of solving the current problems in the economy, she
is presenting another problem to the people: Charter Change, cha-cha.
She is, obviously, trying to let the people forget her "lapse of
judgment" by directing our attention to another political "big" issue.
Ha-ha. She ought to know that the Philippines is not just composed of
the trapos’ favorite, the masa. She ought to know that there are
several thousands of intellectual Filipinos that she can not, and will
not be able to, fool. Conrado de Quiros is right, the SONA is just a
spat of political b******t. Ditto!

"Our political system has
now become a hindrance to national progress," she said, pausing to
taste the victory of her political supporters (the most gleeful of all
is JDV!) jumping and clapping for her. Yeah, right. Whatever system we
use, for so long as our government leaders remain corrupt and greedy,
nothing will happen to the Philippines.

"Tulungan nyo ako" is
her favorite line. She says something like this, always: Let us forget
the past and move on and build one country, one people, one nation. How
can she expect the public to help her, she who had confessed to a
"lapse of judgment," calling an elections official, to ensure and secure
her votes? Who is she to call for help when she could not even, at
least, appear remorseful in her public apology? What right does she
think she has, asking us to unite, when she is the sole cause of our
divisiveness? And lastly, why would I help a president who is smug and
insensitive to the true state of her nation and the people? (But then, if we don’t do anything to save our country, we will forever rot in this political and economic damnation!)

The
only thing that I could be thankful to GMA’s SONA is that it was short.
I would not survive hearing another word from her, with a bunch of my
Econ classmates pleased with her meaningless words. Thank God it was
short, because, as what Conrado de Quiros wrote, "Watching Arroyo is
dangerous to your health."

Some people think I am an eternal bore; one who does nothing but read, write, edit and study. They mock my "seriousness" and exaggerate my achievements. Duh. Educational accomplishment is not the most important thing in the world.

Some people relate me to other popular figures. My uncle thinks I look like Tina Paner. My colleagues in the school paper before think I resemble Stacie Orrico. And some Red Cross Youth volunteers told me I remind them of Imee Marcos and Juliana Palermo. Duh. As if it’s nice to be in the circus of politics and the brouhaha of entertainment.

Some, unluckily, judge me by my outer appearance. They think I am a snotty, bitchy, pea-brained, giddy type of a girl. Duh. They should read Antoine de-Saint Exupery’s The Little Prince and learn that "what is essential is invisible to the eye."

The unfortunate ones, usually the shallow guys that walk the hollows of the earth, assess my worth by the way I dress. Their twisted minds believe that I flirt with every guy I meet and kiss whoever I like, and that I am easy to get. Double Duh. Haven’t they heard of the terms self-gratification and fashion sense?!

Others, meanwhile, think that I am super doper mega over nice–a doormat that they can use, step on, and dispose. They abuse my kindness, plagiarize, and claim their fame by using my works.  Duh-Duh Dumb. Wait ’til they experience karma.

These are the stereotypes of society that have been unfortunately given to me. I continue to defy all these and to prove them wrong. I may be serious with my studies but I do have my share of clean, wholesome fun. I have passions and causes that I will die fighting for. I have tried and will always be willing to do things that most people think I cannot do.

I may not fit your conventional standards of a 21-year-old but I am who I am. And I need no one to validate my worth.

Picture this: A spacious, well-decorated lounge, inspiring art works and pieces, good food, comfortable chairs, new and efficient computers, accomodating hosts, and really good music. These are the things you’ll surely enjoy at Cafe Irie.

Owned and managed by a good friend,Chloe, and her sweetheart, Cafe Irie is surely the only internet cafe that lives up to the name of, well, being an internet cafe. From the entrance, one will really be able to say that this is one net cafe he is going to enjoy.

Gone are those cramped computers that give you a feeling that they were just dumped there by someone. You don’t have to walk sideways just to pass through other internet users. You don’t have to listen to over-used pop songs. In Cafe Irie, you can breathe easier, think faster, and relax a little longer. A new mode for Internet surfing has just taken off in the City of Gentle People!

A long and wide sofa, accentuated with colorful throw-pillows, and two reggae-inspired paintings greet the customers. Three low, antique-looking tables complete the lounge setting. Just a little bit farther stands erect the computer units, amidst a painted background of a light yellow hue. Another three paintings adorn the center wall.

Maybe it was a blessing in disguise when I was not able to get a ticket to Bohol last Saturday. Because it was on Saturday night that I was one of the lucky few who graced the formal launching of Cafe Irie, and at the same, attend an informal gathering of my college batchmates (from my real batch and from the batch kind enough to adopt me)! Foods and drinks were served non-stop; giving us a chance to sample the delicious and yummy foods this cafe will be serving, and which, we, and the other customers, will be asking for more. The Nacho serving is reeeeaaaallllyyy good; I couldn’t stop eating ‘em all!

Cafe Irie is ideally located at the heart of the city, precisely at Noblefranca St., right beside My Pao. Be there, and witness with your own eyes (and heart!) the difference between a business born out of love (for each other, for music, for technology, for food and art) and that of a business just sprouting out of a greed for money and profits!

Congratulations to Wewe and Sharhan for a job well done! Keep it up guys!

Dumaguete has been my second home since I started my college life here five years ago. I came face to face to the City of Gentle People on my third or fourth year in high school, when we had to attend the burial and the wake of my cousin. I instantly fell in love with the place–the happy bloom of santan at the Medical Center, the line of acacia trees in SU campus, and the serenity surrounding Rizal Boulevard.

And then I started my college life in 2000, and all the more reasons I found to keep falling in love with the city. I discovered pristine natural spots, untainted with any hint of commercialization. I love the fact that I can always walk around the city. I found friends and they, too, were truly, madly, deeply, in love with the place.

But life has its own twists and turns. I had to go somewhere else to discover new horizons. For a year, I missed the City of Gentle People so much. I longed for the large pedicabs or tricycles. I missed the food, the ambience, the people. And so it was one looked-forward event when I re-enrolled in the University in the second semester of 2003.

Much to my dismay, I found out that a lot of things have changed. As I wrote in my EL 33 composition, I became a stranger to the place I considered my second home.

That is why I was sooo excited to go home this morning, after three weekends of staying in my boarding house, bored and doing nothing. Mind you, I used to go home every weekend, if not, every other weekend, but the never-ending economic crisis and the ever-surging peso-dollar exchange rate had finally awaken me to my senses, even knocking some guilt into my soul. So I told my parents that I will be going home once a month only, to save on fare and other travel expenses.

Going home always mean a lot of things. Going home means I don’t have to worry where to eat, what to eat, and when to eat. I could always raid the fridge and find something to eat, or find something to cook. I don’t have to worry whether the food I am eating contains MSG or any other carcinogens. My mom, a health buff, always see to it that no trace of MSG or any artificial flavoring is available in our kitchen.

Going home means watching my favorite shows on TV, from the comical and corny telenovelas, to lifestyle and living, sports, and reality shows. Going home could also mean watching movies in new and state-of-the-art cinemas, or mall hopping. Which could mean, most of the time, my parents treating us out to lunch or dinner after a heavy window-shopping, or my mom buying us something, a blouse, a skirt or a pair of jeans.

Going home simply means not having to worry because I am with my family.

But all these will just remain wistful thoughts since I failed to get a ticket this morning. I miscalculated the events. Tomorrow’s the Sandugo Festival and a lot of people are heading to my place. The Oceanjet trip, the one and only trip connecting Dumaguete and Bohol, was already fully booked.

My parents called and even texted to remind me to get a ticket ahead of time. But I was stubborn and hard-headed and too confident. It never occured to me that a lot of people will be going to Bohol. I underestimated the fame of the Sandugo festival.

So, it was my fault and I have paid dearly for it. I am now stuck in Dumaguete, alone and bored. I even had to watch the other passengers board the craft at almost 11:45 this morning.

Well, better luck next time.

One of the first few things that shocked me when i first read my Half-Blood Prince e-book is the fact that it did not start with the usual birthday celebration of Harry at the month of July. Perhaps the Wizarding world, as well as the Muggle’s, are in so terrible a commotion that JKRowling find it ironic to include a supposed-to-be happy celebration like a birthday. Well, Harry was never happy with the way the Dudleys are treating him but Herminone, Ron, and Hagrid’s gifts never failed to amaze him, right?

Anyway, the book starts with the chapter titled ‘The Other Minister.’ The title is a witty take at the fact that a new Minister of Magic has been installed, at the same time, it introduces the readers to the other minister, the Prime Minister of the muggles. It has a funny and comical twist to it but all in all, it gives the idea of the mood of the book: dark and gloomy. Voldemort has risen into power and there was already a massive breakoout of prisoners from Azkaban. The world of the Muggles has been greatly affected. Bridges collapse. Hurricanes destroy people and properties. Several Aurors and members of the Order have been killed.

Anyway, here are some spoilers and teasers again. You know what to do. And oh, just for the record, it really is expensive to read e-books now that i do not have my laptop anymore! huhu! that is why i am itching to go home this weekend! til then!

Spoiler starts here:
- The half-blood prince is Prof. Snape
- Ginny and Harry became a couple
- Hermione and Ron are taking their time but there are definitely kilig moments there
- Voldermont has ripped his soul into 7
- Malfoy is now a death eater
- Aragog (the spider) died
- There’s a new potion’s teacher, Prof. Slug
- Snape’s the new DADA teacher
- Bill and Fleur are getting married
- Tonk’s inlove with Remus
- Harry inherited Sirius riches
- There’s a new Minister of Magic, Rufus
- Prof. Dumbledore was killed by Snape

Albus Dumbledore, the great wizard in the Harry Potter series, said in Book 6 that it is our choices that defines who we are. Harry, at that time, has been bothered by the fact that he has almost the same capabilities and qualities of Lord Voldemort, He Who Must Not Be Named, but I am naming him nevertheless. He went on to explain that what gives Harry an edge over the dark lord is his capability to love.

So great was the quote that I became addicted to it. I wrote in my books and notebooks and in almost everything I own. It was the quote of the moment, so to speak. I would post it in my HS batch’s yahoogroups, in online discussion forums, and share it with my friends.

In Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, I got my copy on the international release date. I read the book for 24 hours, non-stop. I even comtemplated and attempted to make another email account using my favorite HP character. I laughed, and marvelled at the jokes and one-liners of the Weasley twins. I sympathized with Hermione’s feelings. I was so drawn to the character of Luna Lovegood. And I even cried, and wailed, at Sirius’ death.

Indeed, I am a serious Harry Potter addict.

Two days have passed since the release date of the sixth installment of the Harry Potter series, the Half-Blood Prince. Some of my friends already have read it; they are now even discussing and debating the plot over the Internet. They have posted spoilers and teasers. But I am still left with no hardbound copy to read and hold close.

We were supposed to have my reservations at National Bookstore last summer but my sister and I cancelled the plan. We thought it is too expensive to shell out P1,500 from our pockets just for a hardbound copy. My parents, too, think that it is quite not practical; we can always wait for the paperback one, which, they calculated, is cheaper and is the same.

Have I been an exchange student until now, I would not give any second thoughts in buying that book. But times have changed and so have the peso-dollar exchange. I do love the smell of book and the sound the paper makes everytime I turn the pages. I would really love to have a hardbound cover to hold close and read. But as for now, I have to content myself with an e-book in PDF format, which a cyber acquaintance has sooo unselfishly shared! Yes! I now have a copy and boy, am I too excited to read it!

Let me leave you my expectations, spoilers and teasers while I will be reading the text. If you’re keen on reading the twists and turns firsthand and you don’t want the adventure and horror to be spoiled for you, then do not highlight the spoilers! You have been warned!

Indeed, it was a tragic end to have Sirius Black killed in Book 5. So tragic was it that some fans were left hating JKRowling for a while. Sirius is my ultimate favorite character and I was expecting to read more of him until the last and seventh installment. He was, afterall, the closest person Harry could get, next to having a father of his own. He was James’ best friend who was mistakenly imprisoned for a crime he did not commit. For 11 years, he has spent his life in the tormenting cells of Azkaban. It was really unfair to kill him when he has not yet redeemed his name.

That is why I am expecting a lot of explanations in Book 6 on Sirius Black’s death. Was it really necessary for him to die? What are the emotional and psychological effects of his death to Harry? Will he still be around, like Harry’s guardian angel, through the magical mirror he gave to Harry? These are the questions that I am expecting to be answered.

Also, I am expecting some characters to be given more space and time to develop, like those of Neville Longbottom and Luna Lovegood. Afterall, these were the persons, aside from Hermione and Ron, who were present at the final fight between the Order of the Phoenix and the Death Eaters.

And here are the spoilers. Another wizard close to Harry will be killed. I think JKRowling has to kill lots of people, especially those who are close to Harry, so when time comes that Harry has to kill Voldemort, the plot will be convincing. So who’s your bet? Judging from the posts I have read, I have a strong feeling that it is *spoiler* Albus Dumbledore who shall die next, although, I really don’t want him to go. He has been quoted as saying, "I am not gone; I shall be with you always."

And then, I have another strong gut feeling that suspicion is true: Professor Snape is a traitor!

Well, these are all I can say for now. I promise to post a Book Review here the moment I will be finished reading the book. And don’t worry, I will be flooding this blog with lots of spoilers and teasers!

I am writing this with a nauseating pain in my head, my eyes desperately trying hard to stay awake, and my whole system holding on to a thin line that separates sanity and insanity, normal functioning and total breakdown. Haha! These are the things that I got for not following curfew rules in my dear old boarding house!

I was surfing the Net at three o’clock dawn and now I’m back at it again, despite the fact that I am broke, really, really broke. I have been roaming around the city like a vicious little spy since last night! I haven’t had any food or drink for ten hours now. But I am fine, and still surviving!

I wasted the whole night (and dawn!) doing nothing but I do not regret it, and I never will. I was at the tWS office at 6:30 last night, trying hard to make sense of what the writing pool has written for wednesday’s issue, as part of my responsibilities as one of the guest editors. Then, I went out with Jell-O’s gang to celebrate his birthday. And though I did not do much in there–I didn’t drink nor sing with them (I only ate the yummylicious chocolate cake and laughed at every joke of the Powerpuff girls in campus!)– I should say that I enjoyed it a lot. Haha! Have I ever mentioned that I am a shallow gal?

I had an early breakfast with Rainier’s blowout at qyosko (never mind the spelling, okay?). It’s funny because this is, hopefully, my last semester in Dumaguete but I just learned of the place last night! Whoa! So much of being a Mass Com student. 

In moments like this, it’s really nice to have friends who would stick it out with you, even if it means going home late, too, contacting friends and begging them to let a poor soul stay in their places for a few hours, while she waits for the sun to rise and her boarding house to open. Special thanks to Rainier and Easter for doing just these. It is also touching to know that even though their places don’t allow it, there are still friends who are willing to do extraordinary things (like attempting to open another friend’s room or telling you that they’ll stand by you ’til summer sunshine!) just so you could stay unharmed and un-bored! And to the dear and talented Aiken of KMC, a bunch of thanks for what you did! And of course, nothing compares the comfort of some pillows and a bed, cable TV, and a roof under your head at four o’clock in the morning. For lending and sharing all these, my heartfelt thanks to Bombom!

If everyone on earth is just as kind and sincere as them, then, there will be no cases of robbery, homicide, and rape in this dear old country of ours!

Life is full of surprises, so they say, and no matter how cliche-ish it may be, this saying is so true in every way!

Sometimes, we complain and whine on how unfair life is. Or how boring. How uneventful. We wish for grand birthday surprises, with cakes, wine, balloons and all. We dream of fairy tale proposals, complete with a candle-lit dinner and an orchestra. We imagine of late-night walks in the park, dances under the rain, canoe ride by the lake, and butterfly kisses under the moonlight. We get envious and teary-eyed everytime we see a movie with special moments, wondering when, where, and how long will it take us have our own.

But have we considered the gentle smile of a stranger, the early morning greeting of the security guard, or the familiar face of a restaurant waiter? Have we ever thought of the magic of experiencing something that makes your life puzzle interrelated and complete? Life is never perfect, but you can always fill it with perfect moments– my friend’s text message reads. and so, what are just those perfect moments?

Last week, i visited my friend’s kiosk to inquire about my column, which i have sooo proudly displayed here. She was not there, and since i did not know anyone in there, i made an alibi of buying a Hello wafer chocolate. On my way home, i was feeling so wasted for the time and effort spent in going there, not to mention nanghihinayang for wasting precious pesos for some stupid chocolate that i am not supposed to devour, given my weight. i was processing these thoughts in my mind when, along the road, i was greeted by the familiar voice of my "frend"–a kid selling peanuts and other goodies at night, while attending public school classes in the morning. The moment i saw him, my heart leapt, and i knew at that very instant, that life is, indeed, amazing!

It was soo wonderful how one simple act or gesture may seem too illogical and unnecessary in one moment, then becomes important and meaningful in the next. I saw how delighted he was in receiving the choco-wafer bar and i felt a certain kind of happiness deep within. Perfect puzzle, as i said.

This is just one of the many perfect moments in my life. And it makes me feel good to have been able to identify them. Paulo Coelho calls this magic moments, and, according to him, these magic moments may happen in the very unexpected times of our lives, at the very mundane things we do.

While I may whine and yak at the fact that Philippine politics is going in the pits, or at the sad reality that people are getting more "plastic" these days, I will never forget and will never disregard those little perfect moments in my life– the perfect light blue blouse i got at a discounted price in marjorie’s, my perfect accesory of the moment, a pair of antique, black-bead chandelier earrings from my sister, my mom’s call telling me to go home when i’ve been feeling too low and down, my friend treating me out to a mango shake and french fries when i told him i felt bad seeing my crush with another girl, the waiter at bethel’s giving us two long spoons for the halo-halo my friend and i intended to share… the list could go on and on; i could blab non-stop but the meaning will remain the same: Let us take time to notice the little, insignificant things in our lives. We’ll never know when they will become special and perfect.

lollipop and summer sunshine;-)

sabel