Two Million Thoughts

Well, forgive me for coming unprepared. I am actually not capable of thinking of a working title right now–no specific subject/idea/complaint in my head yet; all I know is that I want to write right at this moment. And that is exactly the reason why I abandoned my three-inch book in Criminal Law (despite the fact that I still have several articles to read and cases to analyze for tomorrow’s tension-filled classes) and fled to the nearest internet cafe.

I just felt like I won’t survive a minute if I don’t write. The humdrum of reading and analyzing is just too hard to bear. The simple ordinariness of my academic life makes me, well, for the lack of a better term, uninteresting. I don’t know if I have a life anymore. I don’t dress the way I used to dress, don’t accessorize as much as I accessorized before. By life, I mean not just the existence of breathing and eating, but of embracing and loving every moment of every day. How can one have a life when all she does is read, analyze, go to classes, sleep a little and eat, and read some more???

Don’t get me wrong though. I love what I am doing–being a professional student and studying once again. But not too long ago, when classes was just starting, I considered withdrawing my enrolment. The tension is just soo intolerable I was scared and wanted to ran away. The textbooks are just way too thick; the cases are just way too many, and the professors, well, they were just way too strict. It didn’t help that most of my classmates are inflicted with the study mania– I felt suffocated, pressurized, and ready to break any moment.

And yup, I did break, emotionally. I cried and complained. And it felt good. Crying has always made me feel good. I felt better. And I saw the glaringly apparent mistake I made: I was just too hard to myself. Studying 24/7 is simply not just me. It can’t be me. Monotony, as I have said, bores my soul. I need some breaks to perk up my life.

Tess is right when she said that I shouldn’t let the pressure pressurize me. I say "Amen" to that! It was not actually the books nor the cases neither the professors that scared me too much. It was neither their fault. It was mine. For a week, I forgot who I am– I forgot to consider my capabilities and limitations.

And so I am now adjusting. I don’t study too much anymore. I don’t deprive myself of precious hours of sleep or precious minutes of nap. I eat a lot, sing, shout, dance while studying, entertain creative ideas of writing in the middle of a case analysis, etc… I am enjoying while taking another chapter in my life. Because this is me– I enjoy life and I embrace everything that goes with it. Exclamation point!

But the greatest realization comes not on knowing myself, or of being reminded of who I am. The greatest realization is that I know Someone Up There is greater than me, stronger than me, and wiser than me and he knows what is better for me. This morning’s homily tackled fear, and the positive things it bring. I was afraid, and I knew myself; it made me humble, and it made me trust in Him more.

Well, I am going to pay a two-hour rate for writing this (and for surfing new fashion trends, on which I need to update myself) but it makes me feel good to have finally let it all out. I guess, well no, I believe, that the realizations I have written in this entry (and hopefully, assuming some people read my blog, I have shared) justify my being here and abandoning my assignments.

And oh the title? I’d better leave it like that.

Catch Me A Firefly is a book by Freda Jayme. Let me use the title in this entry

A lot of people back home have asked me why most of my blog entries have tones of loneliness, desperation, angst, etc. And I have always answered them one thing: I reserve my happy memories just for myself–those are the only possessions that no one could snatch away from me.

Whenever I feel happy over something, I write it not with my hands nor with my head; but I scribble it with my heart and soul. I let my eyes do the writing, my heart the saving of images, facts, and figures, and my soul the eternal internalization of everything from the smallest details to the most important ones.

So, no matter what people do to hurt me, or to destroy me, I just take those articles from my memory and fill my heart with the feelings I felt at the time I experienced those. Somehow, it makes me feel stronger and prouder of myself.

Writing these articles is not that easy. Sometimes, it could become impossible. At the height of emotions, it is sometimes hard to assemble all the words, the phrases, the pictures, and everything that comes with it. It is even harder to take out all those happy memories when toying with feelings of loneliness, desperation, and anger.

It is a difficult task but I have struggled to write happy memories this way and I have proven it to be an effective tool of keeping these memories intact. It is much like catching a firefly– you have to wait for the night,  have to be careful with your hands, and you have to have the heart of a lover and the zeal of a child to catch one; but it is definitely worth all these.

There will be more sad memories to come and a few good memories to keep. I will continue writing with my hands and head and let the whole world know how my life sucks and how I hate the world–but nobody will ever know that in my sad and lonely planet, pleasant things do happen, too!

Do me a favor before you go to sleep…catch me a firefly for me to keep!