Two Million Thoughts

I have to give it up to my superfriend Gracey to turn the challenges i life into some beautiful moments and conjure a well-meaning modifier while at it.

Now, I can truly express my current state with her modifier: superficially fine.

I feel like suffocating with all the assignments we have to do and finish before Monday. It feels like someone is choking me or well, in a very literal sense, the photocopies of case and the litter of books in my room is already up to my neck. This afternoon, I complained of a very fast irregular heartbeat that I could not breathe. And just minutes before that, I was experiencing the stomach pangs I usually have when my stress-induced hyperacidity strikes once again.

It doesn’t help now that I learned a nasty rumor about me that one of my former classmates had spread. Grrrrr!

So, wanna ask me how I am? I am pressed for time and superficially fine. Laboratory inventions that come in pills we call as Raxide or Zantac, Nafarin A or Decolgen, and that ever reliable miracle of a drug called antibiotic, more specifically JFlex, are circulating in my blood, keeping my life intact. Prayers from friends and family and some sort of a masquerade game between me and myself keep my sanity.

What a life.

Should there be an award for the most pathetic Harry Potter fan, it would certainly go to me and no one else. It’s the fourth day from the premiere of the Order of the Phoenix and I am soo stuck here in Dumaguete! Since Wednesday, I have received a steady flow of messages from friends and fellow Potter fans, all gushing about their cinematic experience but still complaining about the lack of the movie’s heart and soul compared to the book.

I can’t just imagine my (bad) luck. Here in Dumaguete, the cinemas are still showing Fantastic Four (which was like shown in Bohol like ages ago), Perfect Stranger (this was in Bohol like soo eons ago!) and Bordertown with some other suspense-thriller I don’t give a damn!

How can it be so unfair?

My friends are now munching popcorns and sipping sodas, watching the Black ancestral house and the members of the Phoenix, the fight at the Ministry, Luna Lovegood and Umbridge, while some had finished their cinematic trip and are now discussing the movie vis-a-vis the book sipping their coffee, etcetera, etcetera, and I am soo friggingly stuck with 15 cases to digest, 150 pages of text to read, and some other responsibilities of a law student. Argh!

The Order of the Phoenix is my second fave, next to the Prisoner of Azkaban. Well, at least, my sis, Mabel, had some good news for me just a while ago! Sirius Black was more dashingly handsome in the movie and he ought to be ‘coz it was just how he was as in the books! The past movies had featured him in quite a shabby and unshapely state, which was, of course, understandable, considering the fact that he just came from Azkaban in Prisoner of Azkaban and he had been hiding and roaming as a dog in Goblet of Fire.

My good, good friend, Thawdie, texted me that the movie lacked feelings in it. He said it was a cinematic experience but he still loved Goblet of Fire more. Well, on the first contention, I guess all hardcore  Potter fans would always prefer the book than the movie. And as on the last one, Goblet of Fire was of course full of awesome tricks and effects, considering the grandiose of the Triwizard Tournament, but I am still keeping my fingers crossed that the Order of the Phoenix will be justified by the movie.

Anyway, here is an interesting review of HP and the Order of the Phoenix: http://www.shopcrazy.com.ph/2007/07/13/movie-review-harry-potter-and-the-order-of-the-phoenix/#more-2422

My heart bleeds reading this review. And I love to torture myself reading it over and over again, mocking my unfortunate self.

Pathetic.

Just something I conjured while facing the blank screen and feeling like Erato’s fair-haired child. *wink*wink*

The night was pitch black

And I stand there waiting,

Scanning the horizon when I can see none,

Wondering, where are you—

Luna, my lovely goddess, the one

Who understands my soul and

Soothes my heart?

The pain is too heavy to bear,

The tears are too many to contain

And my helpless face can’t hide no more…

The tears are starting to fall

As the rain slowly drops from out of nowhere,

And I still stand there, waiting, waiting—

Longing, longing,

And crying.

If love was made in heaven,

Why did hell mess with my heart?

And I found myself laughing because

I could cry no more,

Sitting because I could stand no more,

Desperately trying to feel but

My good ole heart could feel no more.

It has given up.

I am numb…

I wanted to shout but I can’t

I wanted to kill someone

I wanted Luna to come out.

I am numb.

The rain came to a downpour

And I shivered because I did not feel

Anything at all.

I write to shoo away boredom. I write to talk to myself. I write to ease the pain. I write to unload the burden of longing. I write to keep me busy. I write to keep my sanity.

I write hoping for a miracle. I write waiting for something to happen. I write to persuade. I write to convince. I write to represent the voiceless, the penless, the wordless. I write to turn words into ideas, ideas into actions. I write to make a difference.

I write to turn sadness into melancholy. I write to turn heartbreaks less painful. I write to tell my story. I write to invalidate their stories. I write to be content. 

I write to learn a lesson. I write to reminisce the past. I write to remember history. I write to forget.

I write to be happy. I write to dream. I write to fall in love. I write to fall out of love. I write to keep my faith in love. I write to find my way back to love.

I write to live; I live to write.

Filipinos are now known as thieves in Korea.

I don’t have a television to watch the news or any access to some authorities to confirm this but this is based on first-hand testimony by an online Girltalker who lives in Korea. Apparently, a Filipino diplomat was caught shoplifting in the US Base shopping center in the country. And the things stolen? A karaoke machine and a Gucci perfume.

Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.

Should this be true then our morality as Filipinos are degrading fast. It is not just on the way other citizens perceive us but even on the way we respect and regard ourselves as Filipinos. If a diplomat can do something stupid as shoplifting, it only means that he/she has no respect for our country and for our people that he/she can put our name in such a great risk. As one GirlTalker noted, is he/she underpaid or are his/her corrupted money not enough to answer to his/her luxurious needs?

Accordingly, there are only two kinds of Filipino diplomats granted access to the US base, namely, the Philippine ambassador himself and the military attache. If this be the case, the government should stop covering up the issue and start investigating its own.

Of course, they are claiming that such rumor is not true and they are even threatening to sue the Korean Herald. But then again, with the incidents of Hello Garci and all the false pretensions from Malacanang, who would believe them? Who do they think they are fooling?

Granting that such rumor was maliciously spread with fraud and deceit, then, can we just stop and ask ourselves how lowly we have now become that a Korean news paper would stop down to such shrewdness of spreading false rumors  to destroy our reputation? For what end benefit?

Be the judge and decide…

I received a text message from a good friend last night. It simply announced his new job and his new post in Bohol where he is observing effects on marine mammals from the seismic survey done in line with the oil exploration in Tanon Strait. Further on, he stated how he was able to see a pack of dolphins, close to five hundred, traversing through the sea.

And the chain of messages made me realize two things which could be summed up in the title above: caged in!

Yes, we are caged in. I’ve read about the oil exploration plan of the government last summer but I never thought it could happen as soon as today. I could even remember how my sister and I had a great laugh at the picture of some sort of an oil tanker considered to be the best and the most modern in the country, when, to our very own untrained eyes, it certainly looked a hundred years old. The truth of the matter is, our government is simply jumping on something they (those we call honorables wearing their respective barongs and doing nothing) think would alleviate our economic situation, without even considering its environmental effects. Again, they presume and assume a lot of things, without even taking preliminary considerations, so to speak. They proceed to the seismic survey without assessing its possible after-effects to anything and everything. They are easily blinded by the promise of money without even taking proper planning first. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.

And then, who gets to enjoy the oil riches in the country should the oil exploration be successful? The glaring answer would be those multinational companies and a few of those barong-wearing officials who seem to be doing nothing but keeping their mighty seats shiny with their big, fat, corrupt asses. And then, our dear old country would be left destroyed and dilapidated, its natural resources abused. The poor Juan will become poorer and he will realize that the promise of multimillion investments was nothing than seeing big boats and tankers traversing the very seas where he fishes and witnessing the corals and marine creatures rapidly disappearing. Yes, he might have a few months of eating the more expensive canned goods and buying his kids some brand-new clothes in a cheap bargain store, provided the oil company would hire him as lowly help, but for the rest of his life, he will be haunted by the horrible sight of the environment around him– barren, overused, empty, non-existent.

The second thing would be a little bit far-fetched but still connected. When my friend texted about the five hundred dolphins, my first reaction was that, "Hey, I am from Bohol but I haven’t seen any dolphin in my province." In fact, the first and only time I ‘ve seen dolphins and other marine creatures for that matter was during my visit to the ever-revered Yokohama Sea Paradise. It was comparable to Sea World in HK though I haven’t been in the latter. There I was, standing in awe and amusement, face to face with a bottle-nosed dolphin and an enormous whale shark, with only a thick sheet of glass as my protection. Later on, I saw several kinds of sharks, a sea turtle, a manta ray, sea cow, and later, on the third floor, some seals and some penguins. Now that I think about that 12-hour encounter with the sea, I could not help but feel depressed. How ironic it was to have all those creatures caged in when only a few kilometers away lies the Yokohama Bay?

And it makes me shake my head in amusement at how we, human beings, try to preserve those sea wonders in our own designed giant aquariums and water parks, and then destroy their natural habitat? Do we really have to cage in some animals for the future generation to see while we roam freely and spread our destructive powers over the forests and the seas?

These are questions worth pondering about. And I tell you, this is best analyzed by our government officials if they were only caged in.

I went to the department store just to buy a special transparent umbrella to celebrate the coming of the rainy season.

It is such a breather to feel the gloominess of the sky and the gentle tapping of raindrops on my rooftop once again after two months and a half of the sun’s fierce glare. It feels good to wrap myself with clothing and protective shoes after my summer fling with "baring some skin" via spaghetti-strapped shirts, tank tops, racerbacks, shorts, skirts, swimwear and Spartan slippers. After the second day of class when my classmates did not fail to notice and made a big deal of my tan lines (thanks to the panglao beaches! hahaha!), it’s good to be back to the usual Law get-up of polo shirts and soon enough, our new business suit uniform. It’s hello, welcome back to the real world!

But there is more to the coming of the rainy season than these. Most especially, I am thankful for the rain because it somehow relieved me of the sarcastic glare of the sun as if mocking and teasing me with memories of that fateful summer morning I met the man my heart is still longing for. I hope against all odds, with fingers crossed, that each raindrop would scrub and dilute the happy memories I had while the sun was smiling–that each would purify all nooks and cranies, corners and routes, and parks and beaches so those memories would soon fade and disappear into thin air, never to be remembered again. I pray that every tapping on my roof at night would lull my brain to forget what had been done, what destiny had arranged to meet only to have them separated, so I may live again, as if nothing magical-but-fleeting happened at all.

But why, why does my heart sing songs for you, write poems of you, and speak praises about you, when my brain has expressly forbidden it to do so?

I’m not really a big fan of love letters. I’ve always think of these things as the corniest crap the world has ever invented. I always catch myself reading love letter from the past and I could not help but smirk at those mushy love lines that was never realized and edit whatever grammatical errors I could spot.

But then, after reading this love letter, I suddenly had this change of heart and mind. So I am posting this fictional love letter which was destined to change my destiny. Haha;-) I don’t know if I am making sense, here… All I know is that I just had to post this… And I have to thank the hardworking GirlTalker who transcribed all these for all of us… Here goes…

My dear Celine,

One day I will disappear completely. The letters will mean nothing. The world will get tired of me…You will get tired of me, I will get tired of myself and I… I will never get tired of you. For you there will be no endings. I will say your name over and over like a refrain, my prayer to no one. Then I’ll be a flower, the one you’ll never pick. I will endure the breathless waiting till boundaries disappear…

Only travelers leave but I’ve never been a  traveler for I have never left. I’m lost, simply. Wanting to be in a place I’ve never been and will never be…  Of all destiniations, I long to be lost in the fields of your hair, lost among your thoughts as you are already in mine.  My life started when I loved you and that is how I want it to end.

Yours forever,

JB

It’s good to be back! There are lots to say but there is too little time and space. I never thought I would miss blogging this much! Or that I would terribly miss Friendster after a week of not visiting the site.

It’s just that my good old friends, Hyperacidity and URTI, visited me once again and there I was, stuck in my room for almost a week!

But it was not a fruitless week, indeed. I finished rereading The Order of the Phoenix of the Harry Potter series, The Joy Luck Club, and the Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood! I never thought I could finish the thick Potter book, but as expected, JKRowling has again left me wanting to read more, never mind that that was the third time I read the book.

The Order of the Phoenix holds a special place in my heart. Had JKRowling not killed Sirius Black, my ultimate favorite HP character, then it would have easily gotten the number 1 spot in my fave HP series.

I was watching Spidey 3 when I got to watch the HP5 trailer and I desperately wished I had someone to share the same passion and excitement of seeing Book Five come alive.

I just thought that with the coming of the movie adaptation, it would be great to re-read the book once again to be able to rate the movie well. I’m quite excited how the production people will transform all the memorable magical creatures and events in book into visuals. It would be nice to compare the creativity and wild imagination of different individuals. Like I have my own vision of a Thestral, but I would like to know how it will be interpreted in the movie.

Here are the characters and events I am looking forward to in the moveie: Dolores Umbridge (which, as the trailer showed, was very well interpreted in the movie); Number Twelve, Grimmauld Palace, the screaming Blacks, and Kreacher; The Nine Guards that went to see Harry, especially Nymphadora Tonks; Ron and Ginny in the Quidditch team; Hagrid’s Little Big Brtother; the Thestrals; Luna Lovegood, St. Mungo’s; Kingsley Shacklebolt and the real Mad-Eye Moody; Umbridge’s scary detention tactics; Fred and George Weasley’s grand exit from Hogwarts; the escape of the ten Death Eaters; Dumbledore’s Army; Minerva McGonagall’s punchlines against Dolores Umbridge; Firenze; the Department of Mysteries; Bellatrix Lestrange; the Room of Requirement; the duel between the Death Eaters and the DA, and later the Order Members; Sirius Black; the chapter, Beyond the Veil; the duel between Voldy and Harry and APWBD; Sirius Black; Sirius Black; and Sirius Black.

Last night, I was crying hard again after reading Beyond the Veil and the chapter after. It amazes me that although I have read the book the third time, I can still feel the pain and agony of losing Padfoot/Snuffles or simply, as Bellatrix had called him, the Animagus Black. And I had to console myself over and over again that there must be a good reason why he has to be killed. (But then again, Dumbledore was killed in Book 6. Does she really have to kill all the great people surrounding Harry? Well, maybe, yes. She wants a good reason for Harry to use the AvadaKedavra curse but then, it’s Dark magic, should Harry use that? Isn’t there another way to kill Voldy without using this curse?) And of course, I have accepted the fact that I think JKR had intended to kill Sirius and never intended to make him appear ever again. The Magical Mirror he gave to Harry was now shattered. He chose not to be a ghost. There are no other plausible way for Harry to see his godfather back. Book 6 did not give any clue either. Let’s just keep our fingers crossed that Book 7 will justify everything…

And oh, I already have had my reservations for the last installment, the Deathly Hallows.   

My Hair Story

To those who know me best, this wouldn’t come as a surprise. I had another haircut to culminate April. I just love going to the parlor again…and again…and again… I’m so happy with how it turned out, thanks to the expert hands of Sol of David’s Salon. Actually, I had been subtly telling my parents about how I desperately wanted short, short hair, and in effect impliedly asking them for moo-lah. So, that was it. They both gave us some budget for a much needed salon trip. Hay…I’m 23 and I still have to beg for money!

On My Pursuit for Happyness

Well, I worry and fret a lot. To use someone’s line, I thrive in drama. I float and flirt with misery. But the latest crisis in my life has taught me to value life. I was able to realize that life is beautiful, despite its ups and downs. And whatever I am going and hurdling through right now, I am optimistic I’ll breeze through ‘em all, with style. (Ayt, gorgeousgracey? *wink*) I know Someone Up There is looking after me. I’ll be fine, come hell or high waters!

Rumors Have It

There was a rumor brewing among SULAW studes that I, and some of my first year batchmates, are transferring to some law school in some distant island. Haha! Well, that rumor will cease to be such as I declare here that indeed, it is true. *wink*

I don’t see any logic on why some people have made it a big deal. Like it is some kind of a mortal sin to transfer. And to clear things up, no, it’s not the teaching force nor the system that made me contemplate of transferring. It’s simply the fact that I am overstaying in Dumaguete. As TuscanSun wrote, every chapter must come to an end, and every book must be closed. But let me point out the blatant obvious, I am still contemplating. In the end, it would have to depend upon my family’s decision.

Cebu vs. Dumaguete

Still on the transferring issue, I think there are advantages and disadvantages on both transferring and staying put. Dumaguete has been my second home; everybody knows everybody; people are great; things are affordable; Silliman is ever present; environment is everybody’s concern. All summed up, staying in Silliman means a healthy and quality living.

As for Cebu, well, everybody knows that the law schools there are better than any of the law schools in Dumaguete. But the disadvantage is, tantanan, the surroundings. I have always said that I won’t survive a week in Cebu, unless I stay in an airconditioned house and I am chauffeured around in a nice car with full-blast aircon. I have been in Cebu many times and I always end up getting the inevitable URTI or LRTI. Yeah, the last time I was there was during the Intramurals Week of SU. I arrived early at 7am, and by 10 in the morning, I was already sneezing non-stop. Going to Cebu would be like saying hello to asthma for me!

Some Things to Look Forward To

If there is one thing I am most excited about, it’s May 14, election day. This is the time where I will be sitting as one of the members of the Board of the Election Inspectors (BEI). I’m quite thrilled to apply whatever knowledge I have acquired from our marathon discussion in election laws. I know it entails a lot of hard work, but who cares?

And of course, I can’t wait to be back in Dumaguete. And perhaps, proceed to Cebu afterwards. Whew!

Aside from these, I am looking forward to watching Perfect Stranger, Fracture and Lucky You. I just love thriller movies and the trailer of the Hale Berry-Bruce Willis flick is something that would make my money’s worth. Fracture, on the other hand, tackles the gripping reality of prosecution and conviction and I think it really is good exposure for me. Besides, Ryan Gosling stars with Anthony Hopkins in this movie. As for the third one, I love Eric Bana sooooo much! And I have always admired Drew Barrymore’s feel-good love films.